You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
