Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
