fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
