I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
