ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
