Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
