Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
