oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
the liver wants what the liver wants
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
