My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
