Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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