I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
