I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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