so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
