There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
