You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
