1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
