That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
