i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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