I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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