I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So many bounce houses so little time
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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