he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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