I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
