You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
