You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
