I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
