I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
