Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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