Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
