very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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