I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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