Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
