I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
