I met the friendliest cop last night
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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