She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
