i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
