you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
