I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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