i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
