Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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