her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
