3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
