i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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