btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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