Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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