We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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