I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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