True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
