According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
