It's like God shit irony all over that family
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
