Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
