haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
