Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
