i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
