Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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