i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
