too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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