True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
