this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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