I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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