Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
