i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
